Essay 4

 

In a perfect world, children are raised by their parents in their own homes. Grandparents have the pleasure and joy of spoiling their grandchildren. Then grandparents can send them back home to their parents! Well, it’s not a perfect world that we live in, and more Grandparents are taking on the responsibility of raising their grandchildren these days. What are the effects of grandparents raising grandchildren? What are the effects on the children being raised by their grandparents? What are some of the things we can do to help these families in this situation?

National figures provided by the American Association of Retired Persons says there are 4.9 million children under the age of 18 living in a grandparent-headed household in 2010. That’s up from 4.5 million living in grandparent-headed households 10 years ago. Approximately 20 percent of these children have neither parent present and the grandparents are responsible for their basic needs. That’s approximately 6.3 percent of all children under the age 18 in the U.S. This represents a 30 percent increase from 1990 to 2000 (Goyer, Amy 2010). Of the 65 million grandparents in the United States in 2012, 7 million, or 10 percent lived with at least one grandchild (Bureau, U.S. Census 2014).

There are many different reasons this is happening: military deployment, growth in the number of women being incarcerated, the opiate epidemic, and other reasons. As the opiate epidemic increases, and more social service agencies are stepping in and removing children in these situations; grandparents are stepping up to become full time caregivers for these children. Even without the social service agencies stepping in some grandparents, themselves, are removing the children and choosing to raise them.

Grandparents often do not think twice about taking on the responsibility of assuming custody of their grandchildren when the need arises. I know, this was the case for me. “Family comes first” is what I thought. How could I let my granddaughters live with strangers? Of course, there are positive thing about taking in your grandchildren. Such as seeing them grow up, losing their first tooth is a great milestone to witness. Providing them a stable household is rewarding, and knowing they feel safe at home with you is reassuring to you and them. However, there are many effects I did not consider. It has affected my lifestyle. I could come and go as I pleased before I decided to raise my grandchildren. It has affected my economic status. I was working full time, and was more financially stable. I had difficulties with finding a babysitter on the weekend because I worked the 3-11p.m. shift.

EFFECTS ON GRANDPARENTS

There is a lot of issues that can take a toll on grandparents raising their grandchildren. Grandparent caregiving can be highly stressful and isolating. Some grandparents may feel stress and worry, wondering if they will stay in good health to be able to care for the grandchildren. Caregivers may feel anger and resentment toward the parent, or resent other friends that are enjoying life. Grandparents may also feel guilt, that they have failed to be a good parent to their own child. There are many economic issues that arise from taking on the responsibility of raising grandchildren that can affect the well-being of a household. It can pose a difficult challenge for any grandparent in this situation working or retired. The grandparent is taking on added expenses of clothing, feeding, attaining health insurance, and educating the child. These are unexpected expenses that can prove to be overwhelming to caregivers.

THE EFFECTS ON CHILDREN

These situations affect grandchildren too. Grandkids may have mixed feelings. They may feel like they have lost control of their worlds. They may resent being separated from their parents. The grandchildren sometimes act out with aggressive or inappropriate behavior, trying to gain some sort of control of their lives. They usually will act out at home with their grandparent where they feel safe.

TIPS FOR HELPING GRANDPARENTS

Grandparents should take care of themselves so that they can continue caring for the grandchildren. They should eat well, exercise and get enough sleep. They shouldn’t give up their hobbies and relaxation. Support makes all the difference. Grandparents can seek out support groups, grandparent groups, or just someone to talk to. Connecting with parents with children can also be helpful, maybe trade off babysitting. State resources and financial assistance vary from state to state. I read a blog Grandparents Raising Grandchildren by Karen Best Wright http://www.raisingyourgrandchildren.com/. She has a link on there that has a guide to Internet resources. Assistance varies from state to state and Wright’s links can be very helpful.

TIPS FOR HELPING CHILDREN

They need your comfort and support. The caregiver should put themselves in the grandchild’s shoes. Establish a routine for them, consistency can be comforting. Let the children help with chores, it will help the grandparent as well as help the grandchild feel good. Encourage the children’s input in their new home. Setup clear age appropriate house rules and enforce them consistently. Make sure each grandchild has a private space. Offer your time and attention, making your grandchild or grandchildren feel they are welcomed into their new worlds.

Works Cited

Bureau, US Census. “10 Percent of Grandparents Live with a Grandchild.” The United States Census Bureau. N.p., 22 Oct. 2014. Web. 27 April 2017.

Goyer, Amy. “More Grandparents Raising Grandchildren, Census Data Shows Increase In…” AARP. N.p., 20 Dec. 2010. Web. 29 Apr. 2017.

Sands, R., Goldberg-Glen, R. (2000). Factors associated with stress among grandparents   raising their grandchildren. Family Relations, 49(1), 48-52.

Smith, Melinda, and Jeanne Segal. “Grandparents Raising Grandchildren.” Grandparents Raising Grandchildren: The Rewards and Challenges of Parenting the Second Time Around, HELPGUIDE.ORGG, Apr. 2017, www.helpguide.org/articles/grandparenting/grandparents-as-parents.htm. Accessed 17 May 2017.

Wright, Karen Best. “Grandparents Raising Grandchildren” 1998-2015 http://www.raisingyourgrandchildren.com/ Accessed 4 May 2017.

Essay 4

 

In a perfect world, children are raised by their parents in their own homes and grandparents have the pleasure and joy of spoiling their grandchildren. Then grandparents can send them back home to their parents! Well, it’s not a perfect world that we live in, and more Grandparents are taking on the responsibility of raising their grandchildren these days. What are the effects of grandparents raising grandchildren? What are the effects on the children being raised by their grandparents?

National figures provided by the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP 2010) says there are 4.9 million children under the age of 18 living in a grandparent-headed household in 2010. That’s up from 4.5 million living in grandparent-headed households 10 years ago. Approximately 20 percent of these children have neither parent present and the grandparents are responsible for their basic needs. That’s approximately 6.3 percent of all children under the age 18 in the U.S. This represents a 30 percent increase from 1990 to 2000 (Goyer, Amy 2010).

There are many different reasons this is happening: military deployment, growth in the number of women being incarcerated, the opiate epidemic, and other reasons. As the opiate epidemic increases, and more social service agencies are stepping in and removing children in these situations; grandparents are stepping up to become full time caregivers for these children. Even without the social service agencies stepping in some grandparents, themselves, are removing the children and choosing to raise them.

Grandparents often do not think twice about taking on the responsibility of assuming custody of their grandchildren when the need arises. I know, this was the case for me. “Family comes first” is what I thought. How could I let my granddaughters live with strangers? Of course, there are positive thing about taking in your grandchildren. Such as seeing them grow up, losing their first tooth is a great milestone to witness. Providing them a stable household is rewarding, and knowing they feel safe at home with you is reassuring to you and them. However, there are many effects I did not consider. It has affected my lifestyle. I could come and go as I pleased before I decided to raise my grandchildren. It has affected my economic status. I was working full time, and was more financially stable.

There is a lot of research out there on the effects of grandparents raising their grandchildren. Grandparent caregiving can be highly stressful and isolating. Some grandparents may feel stress and worry, wondering if they will stay in good health to be able to care for the grandchildren. Caregivers may feel anger and resentment toward the parent, or resent other friends that are enjoying life. Grandparents may also feel guilt, that they have failed to be a good parent to their own child. Grandparents should take care of themselves so that they can continue caring for the grandchildren. They should eat well, exercise and get enough sleep. They shouldn’t give up their hobbies and relaxation. Support makes all the difference. Grandparents can seek out support groups, grandparent groups, or just someone to talk to. Connecting with parents with children can also be helpful, maybe trade off babysitting.

These situations affect grandchildren too. Grandkids may have mixed feelings. They feel like they have lost control of their worlds. They may resent being separated from their parents. The grandchildren sometimes act out with aggressive or inappropriate behavior, trying to gain some sort of control of their lives. They usually will act out at home with their grandparent where they feel safe. Therefore, creating a routine for them can be very helpful. They need your comfort and support. The caregiver should put themselves in the grandchild’s shoes. If they let the children help with chores, it will help the grandparent as well as help the grandchild feel good.

 

Works Cited

Bureau, US Census. “10 Percent of Grandparents Live with a Grandchild.” The United States Census Bureau. N.p., 22 Oct. 2014. Web. 27 April 2017.

Goyer, Amy. “More Grandparents Raising Grandchildren, Census Data Shows Increase In…” AARP. N.p., 20 Dec. 2010. Web. 29 Apr. 2017.

Sands, R., Goldberg-Glen, R. (2000). Factors associated with stress among grandparents   raising their grandchildren. Family Relations, 49(1), 48-52.

Smith, Melinda, and Jeanne Segal. “Grandparents Raising Grandchildren.” Grandparents Raising Grandchildren: The Rewards and Challenges of Parenting the Second Time Around, HELPGUIDE.ORGG, Apr. 2017, www.helpguide.org/articles/grandparenting/grandparents-as-parents.htm. Accessed 17 May 2017.

 

The everyday experience of raising children can be stressful and make us unhappy. We sometimes feel that we can’t do anything right. The daily struggles parents endure seem unrewarding sometimes. In contrast, the fulfillment we discover later in life makes all the unhappiness worth it. Realizing that we have made a positive difference in a child’s life is immensely rewarding and satisfying.

In the article “Why parents hate parenting.” Jennifer (Senior) argues that having children will make most people unhappy, but only for the short term. The author believes overall parents forget about the little stresses. Such as being up at 3 a.m. with a sick child, the memory becomes: spending quality time with that child, instead of losing sleep.

Senior has researched studies that have agreed that most parents are unhappy. The studies range from data obtained from working women to data obtained in relationship research. A 2004 study by Daniel Kahneman, a Nobel Prize winning behavioral economist, who surveyed 909 working Texas women, and found that child care ranked sixteenth in pleasurability out of nineteen activities. Another study in relationship stresses, by psychologists Lauren Papp and E. Mark Cummings, asked 100 long-married couples to spend two weeks documenting their disagreements. Nearly 40 percent of them were about their kids.

The author argues that we have so many choices now about when to have children. Many people put off having children until later in life. It ends up not being what they expected. Parents lose their freedom. They also think because they are older, they are wiser; but there is no “right of wrong way of doing thing.” Senior believes that modern parents are so consumed with comparing themselves to other parents, they feel like they can’t do anything right. Things were different in the past. Children helped a lot more to enhance the family. The family worked together as a whole. Now parents are stressed out. They are trying too hard to be perfect

Senior looks other studies that show the contrary. In a study of Danish subjects, conducted by Hans-Peter Kohler, a sociology professor at the University of Pennsylvania, the finding was the opposite. Parents were happier. Their country has a stronger welfare system. Parents don’t have to work so hard. They get a year of paid maternity leave. There are no worries about finding affordable daycare, because the state subsidizes it. Children’s education and health care are free too. Senior says, “More generous government policies, a sounder economy, a less pressured culture that values good rather than perfect kids—all of these would certainly make parents happier.”

Senior also looks at the rewarding aspects of raising children. When studies look at how rewarding parenting is instead of how stressed out it makes parents, they find different results. Parenting gives moms and dads a purpose and reward. Martin Seligman, the positive-psychology pioneer said, “Happiness is best defined in the ancient Greek sense: leading a productive, purposeful life. And the way we take stock of that life, in the end, isn’t by how much fun we had, but what we did with it.”

I think we all get wrapped up in the here and now, and don’t look at the rewards of parenting overall. People are so busy in their lives. They are trying to balance working and raising families. All the while trying to maintain their happiness. This is hard to do especially after most parents are putting in a full day at work. Then they come home to a second job “their children”. They must make supper, do homework, get the children clean and clean the house. How can you have time to be happy when you’re that overworked?

Loving your children and loving the act of parenting are not the same. Of course, we all love our children. The act of parenting has become so complicated, because parents are trying to raise perfect children. There was an old proverb that parents used, “children should be seen and not heard.” At least it was used in my household as we grew up. We always said that we wouldn’t treat our children like that. I think we went in the other direction, and gave our children too much. Now children are given all the things their parents didn’t get as children. Now everyone is used to instant gratification with new technology. The children now have a feeling of entitlement, that the parent is supposed to send them to college or buy them the latest computer or video game. This puts so much more stress on the parents. We try to give our children a perfect life.

Therefore, we all need to slow down and enjoy the little moments. We need to look at the big picture, the difference we make in our children’s lives. Such as enjoying the moments when children are looking for that hug and kiss before bedtime, instead of feeling “will you just go to bed already.” Or cringing when they want to hear that bedtime story one more time, because you’re so tired. We can even turn around the stress of them coming to you when they hurt themselves. We should be thankful that we can be there for our babies and make a positive difference. I know it makes me feel good when one of my little ones come to me when no one else can console them.

In Psychology Today (Whitbourne) argues that “happiness research leaves a lot to be desired. It’s most striking flaw is the superficiality of happiness measures.” These Happiness Research studies are more common in social science, but are they accurate? The search for personal happiness can leave you feeling empty. Fulfillment is found by making a difference in the lives of others (our children). It makes us feel better overall to make a positive difference in our children’s lives. Whitbourne says, “The eternal hunt for personal happiness can leave you hollow. Fulfillment is found by making a difference in the lives of others. Not only will you benefit others, over the long term you will find an increased sense of inner well-being. Your true merit is measured in how much you’ve mattered to others”

I believe that we have all been put here on earth for a reason. If my purpose in life is to be a parent, which it must be because I’m doing it a second time raising my grandchildren, I hope I’m learning from my mistakes and teaching my new little ones how to be good people. I know parenting can be the hardest thing ever. Try going through menopause and raising three babies under six years old. I’ve been dealing with hot flashes and teething babies at the same time. The best part of my day is when I lay each of my granddaughters down to sleep at night. The unconditional love that is given to me is priceless! That is my reward for all the work I accomplish.

 

Works Cited

Senior, Jennifer, “All Joy and No Fun.” NYMag.com, 4 July 2010, http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/. Accessed 4 April 2017.

Whitbourne, Susan Krauss. “Seeking Long-Term Fulfillment, Not Happiness, Will Get You through These Economic Hard Times.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 21 Sept. 2010, www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201009/seeking-long-term-fulfillment-not-happiness-will-get-you-through. Accessed 10 April 2017.

Summary Assignment

 

            In the article “Why parents hate parenting.” Jennifer Senior argues that having children will make most people unhappy. Senior has researched studies that have agreed that most parents are unhappy. The studies range from data obtained from working women to data obtained in relationship research.

            People are so busy in their lives. They are trying to balance working and raising families. All the while trying to maintain their happiness. This is hard to do especially after most parents are putting in a full day at work. Then they come home to a second job “their children”. They must make supper, do homework, get the children clean and clean the house. How can you have time to be happy when you’re that overworked?

            Things were different in the past. Children helped a lot more to enhance the family. The family worked together as a whole. There was an old proverb that parents used, “children should be seen not heard.” At least it was used in my household as we grew up. We always said that we wouldn’t treat our children like that. I think we went in the other direction, and gave our children too much. Now children are given all the things their parents didn’t get as children. Now everyone is used to instant gratification with new technology. The children now have a feeling of entitlement, that the parent is supposed to send them to college or buy them the latest computer or video game. This puts so much more stress on the parents. We try to give our children a perfect life.

            Senior argues that we have so many choices now about when to have children. Many people put off having children until later in life. It ends up not being what they expected. Parents lose their freedom. They also think because they are older, they are wiser; but there is no “right of wrong way of doing thing.” Senior believes that modern parents are so consumed with comparing themselves to other parents, they feel like they can’t do anything right.

In the memoir sample “Killing Chickens” by Meredith Hall, she struggles with the fact that she is getting a divorce. Hall has to learn all the chores that her husband used to do. She has to tell her children what is going on. It is her birthday. The boys are making her presents, and after that they will help her make a birthday cake.

I think by killing the chickens, something Hall has never done before now, she is realizing there is an inner strength that she has hidden. Relying on her husband to complete the chores has been her way of life. She is trying to show the boys and herself that everything will be okay. Hall is finding out that she is stronger with each chicken she kills. Taking on this chore that she didn’t think she could do, and accomplishing it gives her the strength and confidence to carry on.

Women’s Friendships/Relationships

 

Best Friends Therapy–

They met in the parking lot at the beach. The air was cold and crisp. The temperature was 58 degrees, but the wind made it feel much colder.

Marie is 5’7″ 130 pounds. She had on three layers of yoga pants, and three layers on top: a shirt, sweatshirt, and a big hooded sweatshirt that went down to mid-thigh. She had “hot hands” heating pads in her shoes. She is always cold and wanted to stay warm. Wrapped around her neck was a pink scarf, and on her head was her “Tom Brady” New England Patriots winter cap. She had her pink winter gloves on.

Rose is 5’4″ 200 pounds. She wore jeans and a tee shirt covered by a pink hoody and her “North Face” jacket. She had on her pink New England Patriots baseball cap and her pink and purple crocheted scarf. She had her black leather gloves on. They got out of their vehicles and wrapped up, their hoods up so the wind wouldn’t hurt their ears.

The waves were crashing on the rocks behind them. Rolling white tubes emitted a spray of salty mist.

One pound weights in each hand, they started out on their walk. Today it was just the two friends and they were glad. Both women were having trouble coping with daily life. Marie said, “He doesn’t get how much I do for him. He wants me to try to make seven course, gourmet meals. Like I have time for that. He should be happy with the meals I do make. The house is clean, the laundry is done, and his records are completed for the business. Never mind, he couldn’t just leave me alone this morning and let me wake up. He had to jump my bones before he went outside to work.”

Rose responded, “I know, I’m trying to make healthier meals for the kids. I go through all this work and they won’t even eat it. I’m better off just giving them cereal, bananas, and peanut butter toast. There’s no break, Missy’s working now so I can’t get anyone to watch the kids. I’m ready, how ’bout you? Florida here we come! Nobody will ask us to do anything, we could find a place to stay. I’m sure I could get a job pretty quick, there’s plenty of elderly to take care of down there. All we would have to do is take care of ourselves.”

This venting went on for a while before they knew it they had already reached the incline. “Let’s do the parking lot.” “OK.” Marie commented, “I’m glad Gina and Melany didn’t want to walk today.” “Yeah, me too. I really needed to vent. They would think we’re snapping out, which we are. Temporary insanity!” The two friends laughed.

They were at the far corner of the parking lot. It was time for a pee break, they walked up the hill into the trees and took care of business. A little further into the tree cover was an oasis of solitude. It looked like a campground. Huge cement squares circled an area with a fire pit in the middle. The pair of friends sat down for a while. Friends since the young age of seven, they didn’t even need to talk. The two just sat and enjoyed the quiet calmness of the atmosphere. “Okay, it’s time to exercise now. Let’s punch out this walk,” said Marie.

They started kind of speed walking, the wind was churning around them. “Want to stay in the parking lots? It’s warmer, less windy.” “Sure!” They walked only four miles that day.

On the journey back to the car they noticed the moon was shining in the sky on one side of them, and the sun was still shining on the other.  It was unusual because it was only 3:30 p.m.

Rose took a deep cleansing breathe. “I feel much better, guess I’ll just keep swimming for now. Florida will just have to wait.” The friends laughed at themselves.

 

Acquaintance Walk with Gina and Melany–

Gina and Melany joined in the walk today.  Rose and Marie were dressed like they were in the previous walk, maybe one less layer. They didn’t need hats and gloves today. It was warmer today. They still carried their weights. They were more interested in exercising today.

Gina is 5’2” 140 pounds. She had on grey sweatpants and a blue sweatshirt. She doesn’t carry weights. Melany is 5’5” 150 pounds. She had on her workout outfit, yoga pants and a sweatshirt. She had her one pound weights in hand.

They all started out together. Gina and Marie were talking about a date Gina made with a guy online. Gina always walks faster than everyone else. She is in a hurry to have a cigarette at the end of the walk. Rose and Melany talked about the baby cows that Melany was taking care of in her backyard.

They got to the incline and stopped to stretch. “Gina, thank you for the clothes you gave me for my granddaughter. They are starting to fit her now,” Rose said.

“No problem, I had to get them out of my mom’s house. At least someone I know can benefit from them.”

“Did you guys see the clothes that were on sale at Victoria’s Secret this week?” asked Marie.

Rose rolled her eyes, “Like any of their clothes will fit me.”

“You would be surprised they have all sizes there,” Gina chimed in.

The ladies continued their walk.  They walked six miles today.

____________________________________________________________

The conversations vary between the friends. There are four possible levels of relationship (Anne 2014)

• The first level is acquaintance. That is a person you know slightly, but who is not a close friend.
• The second level is casual. This level is initial friends, people that you don’t know very well. You would use the lowest level of communication. Conversation would just involve the exchange of facts and information. There are no feelings, opinions, or personal vulnerability involved. Those who communicate at this level share minimal intimacy.
• The third level is close. Those friends are people who have worked their way through the first two levels, and have established a relationship with you. You share similar likes and dislikes. The conversation gets deeper, because you start taking small risks sharing your own thoughts, opinions, and beliefs. You start associating with them outside of where you’ve met.
• The final level is intimate, or best friend. This is the highest level of a relationship. At this level trust is well established They have seen you at your worst, and they don’t judge you. They support you in good times and in bad times. Even if it is just to listen without bias. They tell you the truth about yourself, even if you don’t want to hear it. They will protect you and would fight for you to the death. You could argue and disagree about things, but nothing could ever come between you.

Rose and Marie are at the intimate level of friendship. Their conversations go much deeper. They have known each other since they were seven years old. They could just look at each other at times and know what they’re thinking. They are always there for each other. They keep each other together; that is if one is falling apart, the other is always there to comfort her.

Gina and Melany’s children go to school with Marie’s son. Melany has more in common with Marie. They both help their men with their businesses. They are at the close friend level. Gina is more of a casual friend to Marie. A walking partner, Marie listens and shares opinions, but still distances herself from Gina. Rose doesn’t even have Gina or Melany’s phone numbers. They are just casual friends so they stick to small talk, like the baby cows, or clothes.

The value of friendship in women’s lives is enormous. Sometimes we can’t count on the men in our lives to sort out our mixed-up emotions. They tend to bottle up their emotions. On the other hand, women count on each other to control stress in their lives. They can vent their emotions and sort through their troubles. A UCLA study “suggests friendships between women are special. They shape who we are and who we are yet to be. They soothe our tumultuous inner world, fill the emotional gaps in our marriage, and help us remember who we really are. By the way, they may do even more” (Berkowitz 2002)  Intimate friendships can keep our sanity intact. I know personally, I don’t know what I would do without my best friend.

Having a place like this to walk and vent their troubles certainly helps these friends keep their sanity.

 

Works Cited

Anne. “There are Four Possible Levels of Relationship.” Modern Mrs. Darcy, 22 September 2014. Accessed 20 March 2017.

Berkowitz, Gail. “UCLA Study on Friendship Among Women.” CND: UCLA Study On Friendship Among Women, 2002, www.anapsid.org/cnd/gender/tendfend.html. Accessed 21 March 2017.