The everyday experience of raising children can be stressful and make us unhappy. We sometimes feel that we can’t do anything right. The daily struggles parents endure seem unrewarding sometimes. In contrast, the fulfillment we discover later in life makes all the unhappiness worth it. Realizing that we have made a positive difference in a child’s life is immensely rewarding and satisfying.
In the article “Why parents hate parenting.” Jennifer (Senior) argues that having children will make most people unhappy, but only for the short term. The author believes overall parents forget about the little stresses. Such as being up at 3 a.m. with a sick child, the memory becomes: spending quality time with that child, instead of losing sleep.
Senior has researched studies that have agreed that most parents are unhappy. The studies range from data obtained from working women to data obtained in relationship research. A 2004 study by Daniel Kahneman, a Nobel Prize winning behavioral economist, who surveyed 909 working Texas women, and found that child care ranked sixteenth in pleasurability out of nineteen activities. Another study in relationship stresses, by psychologists Lauren Papp and E. Mark Cummings, asked 100 long-married couples to spend two weeks documenting their disagreements. Nearly 40 percent of them were about their kids.
The author argues that we have so many choices now about when to have children. Many people put off having children until later in life. It ends up not being what they expected. Parents lose their freedom. They also think because they are older, they are wiser; but there is no “right of wrong way of doing thing.” Senior believes that modern parents are so consumed with comparing themselves to other parents, they feel like they can’t do anything right. Things were different in the past. Children helped a lot more to enhance the family. The family worked together as a whole. Now parents are stressed out. They are trying too hard to be perfect
Senior looks other studies that show the contrary. In a study of Danish subjects, conducted by Hans-Peter Kohler, a sociology professor at the University of Pennsylvania, the finding was the opposite. Parents were happier. Their country has a stronger welfare system. Parents don’t have to work so hard. They get a year of paid maternity leave. There are no worries about finding affordable daycare, because the state subsidizes it. Children’s education and health care are free too. Senior says, “More generous government policies, a sounder economy, a less pressured culture that values good rather than perfect kids—all of these would certainly make parents happier.”
Senior also looks at the rewarding aspects of raising children. When studies look at how rewarding parenting is instead of how stressed out it makes parents, they find different results. Parenting gives moms and dads a purpose and reward. Martin Seligman, the positive-psychology pioneer said, “Happiness is best defined in the ancient Greek sense: leading a productive, purposeful life. And the way we take stock of that life, in the end, isn’t by how much fun we had, but what we did with it.”
I think we all get wrapped up in the here and now, and don’t look at the rewards of parenting overall. People are so busy in their lives. They are trying to balance working and raising families. All the while trying to maintain their happiness. This is hard to do especially after most parents are putting in a full day at work. Then they come home to a second job “their children”. They must make supper, do homework, get the children clean and clean the house. How can you have time to be happy when you’re that overworked?
Loving your children and loving the act of parenting are not the same. Of course, we all love our children. The act of parenting has become so complicated, because parents are trying to raise perfect children. There was an old proverb that parents used, “children should be seen and not heard.” At least it was used in my household as we grew up. We always said that we wouldn’t treat our children like that. I think we went in the other direction, and gave our children too much. Now children are given all the things their parents didn’t get as children. Now everyone is used to instant gratification with new technology. The children now have a feeling of entitlement, that the parent is supposed to send them to college or buy them the latest computer or video game. This puts so much more stress on the parents. We try to give our children a perfect life.
Therefore, we all need to slow down and enjoy the little moments. We need to look at the big picture, the difference we make in our children’s lives. Such as enjoying the moments when children are looking for that hug and kiss before bedtime, instead of feeling “will you just go to bed already.” Or cringing when they want to hear that bedtime story one more time, because you’re so tired. We can even turn around the stress of them coming to you when they hurt themselves. We should be thankful that we can be there for our babies and make a positive difference. I know it makes me feel good when one of my little ones come to me when no one else can console them.
In Psychology Today (Whitbourne) argues that “happiness research leaves a lot to be desired. It’s most striking flaw is the superficiality of happiness measures.” These Happiness Research studies are more common in social science, but are they accurate? The search for personal happiness can leave you feeling empty. Fulfillment is found by making a difference in the lives of others (our children). It makes us feel better overall to make a positive difference in our children’s lives. Whitbourne says, “The eternal hunt for personal happiness can leave you hollow. Fulfillment is found by making a difference in the lives of others. Not only will you benefit others, over the long term you will find an increased sense of inner well-being. Your true merit is measured in how much you’ve mattered to others”
I believe that we have all been put here on earth for a reason. If my purpose in life is to be a parent, which it must be because I’m doing it a second time raising my grandchildren, I hope I’m learning from my mistakes and teaching my new little ones how to be good people. I know parenting can be the hardest thing ever. Try going through menopause and raising three babies under six years old. I’ve been dealing with hot flashes and teething babies at the same time. The best part of my day is when I lay each of my granddaughters down to sleep at night. The unconditional love that is given to me is priceless! That is my reward for all the work I accomplish.
Works Cited
Senior, Jennifer, “All Joy and No Fun.” NYMag.com, 4 July 2010, http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/. Accessed 4 April 2017.
Whitbourne, Susan Krauss. “Seeking Long-Term Fulfillment, Not Happiness, Will Get You through These Economic Hard Times.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 21 Sept. 2010, www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201009/seeking-long-term-fulfillment-not-happiness-will-get-you-through. Accessed 10 April 2017.